Six Months To Go
It's May, 2008. six months until the next time we elect a new president of the United States of America and thanks to the system we have in place, most people are already sick of hearing about it, reading about it or thinking about it.
I thought I'd try to put that into perspective.
===
Hitler was the worst guy ever. Forget alexander, Khan, Napoleon or any Caesar or king that Shakespeare wrote about, Hitler raised the bar on being the worst guy.
He institutionalized anti-semitism and homophobia to an insane degree. Oh, and prejudice against gypsies, which doesn't get as much publicity because we don't have a catchy word for it, and because gypsies don't run the news media and the entertainment industry.
Over the years folks like Nikita Kruschev, Milhous Nixon, Idi Amin and Kim Jong have tried out for the part, but "worse than Hitler" remains hyperbole, an unobtainable goal.
Hitler conquered most of Europe. "Most of" because Switzerland doesn't count. They just opened the doors and said "Come in, loot, plunder, whatever."
Not that it's an upside, but the Nazi military had the best costume designs, even if they did march like chorus girls. And they were way ahead of the curve at inventing intercontinental ballistic missiles.
Still, Hitler was so much the worst guy ever that even now doing comedy chunks on Hitler being the worst guy ever is in questionable taste. I apologize to any gay Jewish gypsies I've offended.
===
There was this guy called Sadaam Hussein. He went for it. Invading neighboring countries, slaughtering his own citizens, ethnic cleansing, wacky uniform.
So the real President Bush went all Operation Desert Storm on his ass. That went well. The Iraqi army was so freaked they went around surrendering to American journalists.
So Bush, having proven he wasn't a wuss, urged the Iraqi people to overthrow their dictator and then we got the hell out of Dodge. And when some Iraqis tried to overthrow Hussein we left them hanging out to dry. So Hussein took a hit out on our prez, but that went nowhere.
===
The next President, Clinton, is best known for sticking cigars up a Jewish girls quim and getting blown and cumming on her dress. Well, that got a lot of publicity because normally talk show hosts don't get to make jokes about cooze and BJs and cum.
The rabid neocon pundits recall Clinton for the insider profiteering, selling secrets to China and a murder or two, but those didn't make good monolog jokes.
At one point Clinton was impeached. The thought was that if you impeach a president or even threaten to, he resigns in disgrace, like Nixon did. Apparently there's no law that says he has to, though, so Clinton responded with a thumbs up and a wink to the cool kids and just went on presiding over an unprecented economic surplus.
===
In 2000 the question came down to who would you rather have as class president, the egghead bore or the stoner class clown.
Weirdly enough, it ended in a tie. And there were some poll-counting problems in, guess what, the state where one of the candidate's brother was governor. And who knew the Supreme Court was allowed to step in and declare a winner?
So Monkey Boy Dubya Shrub Junior was appointed the new President. What could go worng?
===
About a year in, on September 11th, 2001, terrorists hijacked four jets. Two plowed into the world Trade Center Towers in the worst attack on the World Trade Center since, well, terrorists tried to blow up the World Trade Center. Worse, actually, since this time they did it.
One plowed into the Pentagram building and vanished, leaving no debris large enough to have done what it did. Fortunately all surveliance footage of the attack was confiscated and classified.
And one was aimed at the White House, the worst attack on that establishment since some folks burned it down that one time. But the passengers on that flight manned up and fought their hijackers and died to save the White House. Hooray.
===
Patriotic fervor gripped the land. Americans sprang into action, adorning their SUV's with enough flag decals and stickers to make Nazi staff cars look subtle. Sales of Chinese made US flags skyrocketed.
===
So once Junior finished the book he was reading and had time to think about it, we decided it was Osama Bin Laden, head of the al Quaeda, and so we bombed the shit out of Afghanistan.
Every few months we catch the number two al Quaeda guy. Some wisecrackers think this if funny. But that's how career advancement works. Get rid of a number two guy and someone gets promoted. When they caught Spiro Agnew, Gerry Ford got to be the number two guy. That's how the system works.
We never found the number one guy, Osama. Because, you know, billionaires are so subtle and discreet.
===
Then it occured to The Shrub that this was a good chance to go get that guy his dad should have gotten rid of, and who tried to have his dad killed.
So we invaded Iraq, overthrew their government, drove Hussein into hiding, had his statues torn down, bombed the shit out of the place, killed his sons, declared "Mission Accomplished" and got the hell out of Dodge. Well, except for that last part. But eventually we found Sadaam and were done and got out. but no, we waited for their elections and a new government, and then when that happened we left.
But no, we waited for Sadaam's trial and he was hung and the video was on YouTube and it was all over at last and we came home and... well, no.
They warned us that going to Iraq would be a Viet Nam like quagmire, and boy did they get the last laugh.
===
Speaking of "they" - the political pundits and comics...
Liberals thought Dennis Miller was 'one of us' because he was smart. But after 9/11 he turned into a right-wing nutjob. Which is okay, because Janeane Garofalo used to be a funny comic and a charming actress and she turned into a left-wing nutjob.
After 9/11 Bill Maher, who had a Comedy Central show that ABC bought and wrecked, said that being a suicide bomber is braver than pushing a button to fire a missile, so he got fired and had to wait a little while before he got the same show with a different name on HBO.
When we went to Iraq the Dixie Chicks criticized The Shrub and were vilified, which means they made millions of dollars on their next tour but theoretically might have made more.
===
Some people say The War made the world hate us.
First, to define our terms, by "the War" we don't mean the fighting and bombing in Afghanistan, or Shrub's vague hypothetical War on the noun "terror". "The War" is the ongoing morass in Iraq, okay?
Second, the world doesn't hate us. Well, okay, some of the world hates us. And part of the world is mildly irked or perturbed with us. Some of the world rolls their eyes when our name comes up in conversation. And bits of the world let our calls go to voice mail and then never call us back.
We like to blame France. We said "Hey, gang, lets go overthrow a foreign country" and France was all like "Uh, you go ahead, we'll sit this one out... and don't fly in our air space, okay?"
Next thing you know the cafeteria at Congress is selling Freedom Fries and sales of California Wine, Wisconson cheese and domestic celebrity perfumes are up. And we're all mad like "We bailed you out in The Big One" and calling them "cheese eating surrender monkeys".
Actually, you'll recall Hitler took most of Europe. Italy and Spain totally went fascist. At least France didn't put out welcome mats like the Swiss did.
===
So the world doesn't hate us, we're just not as popular as we used to be.
There was this thing called the Cold War that divided the world up into super-powers. Basically it was capitalism vs. communism. We won, though China and Cuba didn't get the memo. And the Soviet Bloc's switch to capitalism was devastating. And our economy is not at all well.
But in those days we were The Policeman of the world. Now we're the LA Cop of the world, sodomizing foreign leaders with our nightstick and Rodney Kinging their countries into submission.
===
So the country is screwed. In seven years we went from the Clinton economy to being three trillion dollars in national debt.
Three trillion. That like, if you made a hundred thousand dollars a year, it would take you three million years to pay it off, at the end of which time you'd be broke. And that's if we shut down the government and never spent another penny, which isn't going to happen.
===
The country's in debt, the world's upset with us. Iraq's a broken doll house we can't get to stand up on its own. We're committed to fighting "terror" which is sort of like battling "bad". Except not everyone agrees on what's good or bad, but some of them think that bad's us.
So, in six months we elect a new president and turn to him - or her - and like a sad child on Christmas morning we hand them the broken toy our fine nation has become and ask "fix it".
Jesus Christ. That's who we need, a miracle worker. Unfortunately he's not on the ballot.
===
Two party system. Democrats and Republicans. And one of them will be handed the prize turkey, the ultimate white elephant. The task of fixing this mess in four years, maybe eight. in other words, the job of doing the impossible.
And both parties know it can't be done but they'll get the blame if they don't do it.
So neither party really wants to win.
===
The Republicans started with what's called a lame duck. They've got a president who can't run again. So they looked around anf found a war hero and the oldest guy to ever run for president.
Well, it's war time, and electing a General usually works. The last few times, they all wound up getting thier faces on the money. Thing is, Washington, Grant and Eisenhower never got caught and tossed in a bamboo cage. That's not really an ideal military strategy. Still, it qualifies him as a War Hero.
And having the party run thing from behind the scenes with a puppet figurehead in the oval office worked fine back when they hired that actor, Reagan, to play the part.
Sure it's odd that the party line is largely opposed to McCain's personal views. Just watch his pattern. When he's outrageous, that's him. when he corrects himself and explains what he meant to say, that's the party line.
Still no sign of an official running mate, even though McCain's so old that it's assumed that who-ever gets vice president will be in the White House eventually. Hey, the Dems can't decide between the black guy and the bitch. If the GOP runs with Condaleeza Rice we get a two-fer.
===
Now, about the Democrats. It started out there were a ludicrous number of candidates willing to run. And somehow that well just dried up and suddenly we were down to the two candidates least likely to possibly be elected.
We have the legacy candidate, the former first lady. The Dems ran a woman for VP once and got trounced, so why not run one of the least popular women in the public limelight since Yoko Ono and Rosie O'Donnell for President? Hey, remembe the last time she was in the White House, the economy was working and we weren't stuck in this war? Good times...
And we have the skinny brown guy who promises change. Well, that's the point of the election. Anybody but Shrub will be a change, right? And not counting "24" and a few other fictional properties, having a black US president for the first time in history would be a change. Yes it would. And electing anyone but a Bush or a Clinton would be a change. Sure.
Hey, have you noticed that the media always calls Candidate Clinton "Hillary"? I guess it's because we already had a real President Clinton. Sort of the way the Desert Storm guy was the real President Bush and I can't bring myself to pass the name on to Shrub Junior.
===
Ralph Nader is not a third party candidate. As bad as the Corvair was, consumer advocacy is not a party. Some people claim he was a spoiler in 2000. That assumes that the protest votes and nutjob votes that went to Nader would have gone to the lesser of two evils if he wasn't there. Instead of some other protest vote, fifth party nutjob candidate. And that's not a given.
===
I just saw an editorial cartoon that said the GOP had decided on McCain and the Dems had decided on... McCain.
Well, if they decide to run someone that enough people believe can't win, that's kinda right.
And with half a year until the election we've got two Democrats running against each other and a Republican running petty much unopposed.
Seriously, could Clinton and Obama please just decide which of them is going to be Vice President so we can get this presidentical race going for real?
===
Gee, wouldn't it be nice to hurry the process along and get the tickets lined up and start the actual presidential campaign and actually discuss some issues?
Well, sorry, but we're not getting industrial grade hemp legalized this year. Universal health care, unlikely. Gay marriage, maybe mot. Gays in the army may have a chance since at this point we're running out of anyone who wants to be an army man.
Look, there's only one real issue, okay? The War.
The War's approval rating is down to something like two-thirds opposed, and yet you're not hearing a lot of end the war breast beating on the campaign trail.
The Republican's just let G.I. Joe out of his tiger pit and he seems to be all for just doing what we're doing as long as whoever's actually turning a profit from it keeps on making money.
And the opposition is showing an uncharacteristic reluctance to actually come out and oppose. What's up with that?
===
It seems like a lot of Democrats are discouraged. They think they've already lost. They've got two candidates that not only can't win, but are so sure they can't win that they keep on running against each other so they don't have to run against the elderly white war hero.
People mock "Change" as an issue because it stinks of diapers.
And a half year is probably way to early to be warning people not to give up and sleep in on election day.
But come November we'll have a choice. Another four or eight years of pretty much this same shit we've had for the last seven and a half years.
Or, as Monty Python used to say, "Something Completely Different".
And as vague and uncertain as the change they're offering is, and as completely different as either of them would be, I'll tell you this much: either of them would be better than Hitler.
I thought I'd try to put that into perspective.
===
Hitler was the worst guy ever. Forget alexander, Khan, Napoleon or any Caesar or king that Shakespeare wrote about, Hitler raised the bar on being the worst guy.
He institutionalized anti-semitism and homophobia to an insane degree. Oh, and prejudice against gypsies, which doesn't get as much publicity because we don't have a catchy word for it, and because gypsies don't run the news media and the entertainment industry.
Over the years folks like Nikita Kruschev, Milhous Nixon, Idi Amin and Kim Jong have tried out for the part, but "worse than Hitler" remains hyperbole, an unobtainable goal.
Hitler conquered most of Europe. "Most of" because Switzerland doesn't count. They just opened the doors and said "Come in, loot, plunder, whatever."
Not that it's an upside, but the Nazi military had the best costume designs, even if they did march like chorus girls. And they were way ahead of the curve at inventing intercontinental ballistic missiles.
Still, Hitler was so much the worst guy ever that even now doing comedy chunks on Hitler being the worst guy ever is in questionable taste. I apologize to any gay Jewish gypsies I've offended.
===
There was this guy called Sadaam Hussein. He went for it. Invading neighboring countries, slaughtering his own citizens, ethnic cleansing, wacky uniform.
So the real President Bush went all Operation Desert Storm on his ass. That went well. The Iraqi army was so freaked they went around surrendering to American journalists.
So Bush, having proven he wasn't a wuss, urged the Iraqi people to overthrow their dictator and then we got the hell out of Dodge. And when some Iraqis tried to overthrow Hussein we left them hanging out to dry. So Hussein took a hit out on our prez, but that went nowhere.
===
The next President, Clinton, is best known for sticking cigars up a Jewish girls quim and getting blown and cumming on her dress. Well, that got a lot of publicity because normally talk show hosts don't get to make jokes about cooze and BJs and cum.
The rabid neocon pundits recall Clinton for the insider profiteering, selling secrets to China and a murder or two, but those didn't make good monolog jokes.
At one point Clinton was impeached. The thought was that if you impeach a president or even threaten to, he resigns in disgrace, like Nixon did. Apparently there's no law that says he has to, though, so Clinton responded with a thumbs up and a wink to the cool kids and just went on presiding over an unprecented economic surplus.
===
In 2000 the question came down to who would you rather have as class president, the egghead bore or the stoner class clown.
Weirdly enough, it ended in a tie. And there were some poll-counting problems in, guess what, the state where one of the candidate's brother was governor. And who knew the Supreme Court was allowed to step in and declare a winner?
So Monkey Boy Dubya Shrub Junior was appointed the new President. What could go worng?
===
About a year in, on September 11th, 2001, terrorists hijacked four jets. Two plowed into the world Trade Center Towers in the worst attack on the World Trade Center since, well, terrorists tried to blow up the World Trade Center. Worse, actually, since this time they did it.
One plowed into the Pentagram building and vanished, leaving no debris large enough to have done what it did. Fortunately all surveliance footage of the attack was confiscated and classified.
And one was aimed at the White House, the worst attack on that establishment since some folks burned it down that one time. But the passengers on that flight manned up and fought their hijackers and died to save the White House. Hooray.
===
Patriotic fervor gripped the land. Americans sprang into action, adorning their SUV's with enough flag decals and stickers to make Nazi staff cars look subtle. Sales of Chinese made US flags skyrocketed.
===
So once Junior finished the book he was reading and had time to think about it, we decided it was Osama Bin Laden, head of the al Quaeda, and so we bombed the shit out of Afghanistan.
Every few months we catch the number two al Quaeda guy. Some wisecrackers think this if funny. But that's how career advancement works. Get rid of a number two guy and someone gets promoted. When they caught Spiro Agnew, Gerry Ford got to be the number two guy. That's how the system works.
We never found the number one guy, Osama. Because, you know, billionaires are so subtle and discreet.
===
Then it occured to The Shrub that this was a good chance to go get that guy his dad should have gotten rid of, and who tried to have his dad killed.
So we invaded Iraq, overthrew their government, drove Hussein into hiding, had his statues torn down, bombed the shit out of the place, killed his sons, declared "Mission Accomplished" and got the hell out of Dodge. Well, except for that last part. But eventually we found Sadaam and were done and got out. but no, we waited for their elections and a new government, and then when that happened we left.
But no, we waited for Sadaam's trial and he was hung and the video was on YouTube and it was all over at last and we came home and... well, no.
They warned us that going to Iraq would be a Viet Nam like quagmire, and boy did they get the last laugh.
===
Speaking of "they" - the political pundits and comics...
Liberals thought Dennis Miller was 'one of us' because he was smart. But after 9/11 he turned into a right-wing nutjob. Which is okay, because Janeane Garofalo used to be a funny comic and a charming actress and she turned into a left-wing nutjob.
After 9/11 Bill Maher, who had a Comedy Central show that ABC bought and wrecked, said that being a suicide bomber is braver than pushing a button to fire a missile, so he got fired and had to wait a little while before he got the same show with a different name on HBO.
When we went to Iraq the Dixie Chicks criticized The Shrub and were vilified, which means they made millions of dollars on their next tour but theoretically might have made more.
===
Some people say The War made the world hate us.
First, to define our terms, by "the War" we don't mean the fighting and bombing in Afghanistan, or Shrub's vague hypothetical War on the noun "terror". "The War" is the ongoing morass in Iraq, okay?
Second, the world doesn't hate us. Well, okay, some of the world hates us. And part of the world is mildly irked or perturbed with us. Some of the world rolls their eyes when our name comes up in conversation. And bits of the world let our calls go to voice mail and then never call us back.
We like to blame France. We said "Hey, gang, lets go overthrow a foreign country" and France was all like "Uh, you go ahead, we'll sit this one out... and don't fly in our air space, okay?"
Next thing you know the cafeteria at Congress is selling Freedom Fries and sales of California Wine, Wisconson cheese and domestic celebrity perfumes are up. And we're all mad like "We bailed you out in The Big One" and calling them "cheese eating surrender monkeys".
Actually, you'll recall Hitler took most of Europe. Italy and Spain totally went fascist. At least France didn't put out welcome mats like the Swiss did.
===
So the world doesn't hate us, we're just not as popular as we used to be.
There was this thing called the Cold War that divided the world up into super-powers. Basically it was capitalism vs. communism. We won, though China and Cuba didn't get the memo. And the Soviet Bloc's switch to capitalism was devastating. And our economy is not at all well.
But in those days we were The Policeman of the world. Now we're the LA Cop of the world, sodomizing foreign leaders with our nightstick and Rodney Kinging their countries into submission.
===
So the country is screwed. In seven years we went from the Clinton economy to being three trillion dollars in national debt.
Three trillion. That like, if you made a hundred thousand dollars a year, it would take you three million years to pay it off, at the end of which time you'd be broke. And that's if we shut down the government and never spent another penny, which isn't going to happen.
===
The country's in debt, the world's upset with us. Iraq's a broken doll house we can't get to stand up on its own. We're committed to fighting "terror" which is sort of like battling "bad". Except not everyone agrees on what's good or bad, but some of them think that bad's us.
So, in six months we elect a new president and turn to him - or her - and like a sad child on Christmas morning we hand them the broken toy our fine nation has become and ask "fix it".
Jesus Christ. That's who we need, a miracle worker. Unfortunately he's not on the ballot.
===
Two party system. Democrats and Republicans. And one of them will be handed the prize turkey, the ultimate white elephant. The task of fixing this mess in four years, maybe eight. in other words, the job of doing the impossible.
And both parties know it can't be done but they'll get the blame if they don't do it.
So neither party really wants to win.
===
The Republicans started with what's called a lame duck. They've got a president who can't run again. So they looked around anf found a war hero and the oldest guy to ever run for president.
Well, it's war time, and electing a General usually works. The last few times, they all wound up getting thier faces on the money. Thing is, Washington, Grant and Eisenhower never got caught and tossed in a bamboo cage. That's not really an ideal military strategy. Still, it qualifies him as a War Hero.
And having the party run thing from behind the scenes with a puppet figurehead in the oval office worked fine back when they hired that actor, Reagan, to play the part.
Sure it's odd that the party line is largely opposed to McCain's personal views. Just watch his pattern. When he's outrageous, that's him. when he corrects himself and explains what he meant to say, that's the party line.
Still no sign of an official running mate, even though McCain's so old that it's assumed that who-ever gets vice president will be in the White House eventually. Hey, the Dems can't decide between the black guy and the bitch. If the GOP runs with Condaleeza Rice we get a two-fer.
===
Now, about the Democrats. It started out there were a ludicrous number of candidates willing to run. And somehow that well just dried up and suddenly we were down to the two candidates least likely to possibly be elected.
We have the legacy candidate, the former first lady. The Dems ran a woman for VP once and got trounced, so why not run one of the least popular women in the public limelight since Yoko Ono and Rosie O'Donnell for President? Hey, remembe the last time she was in the White House, the economy was working and we weren't stuck in this war? Good times...
And we have the skinny brown guy who promises change. Well, that's the point of the election. Anybody but Shrub will be a change, right? And not counting "24" and a few other fictional properties, having a black US president for the first time in history would be a change. Yes it would. And electing anyone but a Bush or a Clinton would be a change. Sure.
Hey, have you noticed that the media always calls Candidate Clinton "Hillary"? I guess it's because we already had a real President Clinton. Sort of the way the Desert Storm guy was the real President Bush and I can't bring myself to pass the name on to Shrub Junior.
===
Ralph Nader is not a third party candidate. As bad as the Corvair was, consumer advocacy is not a party. Some people claim he was a spoiler in 2000. That assumes that the protest votes and nutjob votes that went to Nader would have gone to the lesser of two evils if he wasn't there. Instead of some other protest vote, fifth party nutjob candidate. And that's not a given.
===
I just saw an editorial cartoon that said the GOP had decided on McCain and the Dems had decided on... McCain.
Well, if they decide to run someone that enough people believe can't win, that's kinda right.
And with half a year until the election we've got two Democrats running against each other and a Republican running petty much unopposed.
Seriously, could Clinton and Obama please just decide which of them is going to be Vice President so we can get this presidentical race going for real?
===
Gee, wouldn't it be nice to hurry the process along and get the tickets lined up and start the actual presidential campaign and actually discuss some issues?
Well, sorry, but we're not getting industrial grade hemp legalized this year. Universal health care, unlikely. Gay marriage, maybe mot. Gays in the army may have a chance since at this point we're running out of anyone who wants to be an army man.
Look, there's only one real issue, okay? The War.
The War's approval rating is down to something like two-thirds opposed, and yet you're not hearing a lot of end the war breast beating on the campaign trail.
The Republican's just let G.I. Joe out of his tiger pit and he seems to be all for just doing what we're doing as long as whoever's actually turning a profit from it keeps on making money.
And the opposition is showing an uncharacteristic reluctance to actually come out and oppose. What's up with that?
===
It seems like a lot of Democrats are discouraged. They think they've already lost. They've got two candidates that not only can't win, but are so sure they can't win that they keep on running against each other so they don't have to run against the elderly white war hero.
People mock "Change" as an issue because it stinks of diapers.
And a half year is probably way to early to be warning people not to give up and sleep in on election day.
But come November we'll have a choice. Another four or eight years of pretty much this same shit we've had for the last seven and a half years.
Or, as Monty Python used to say, "Something Completely Different".
And as vague and uncertain as the change they're offering is, and as completely different as either of them would be, I'll tell you this much: either of them would be better than Hitler.
posted by Napoleon Park at 10:50 PM
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