Friday, October 17, 2008

Is There A Line?

Commercials.

Us old folks remember that macho icon the Marlboro Man and his majestic theme music. Or, funnier, those sexist Silva Thins ads. and conversely the women's lib inspired "You've come a long way, baby" campaign for Virginia slims.

But cancer ate half of my family. And I've always loved Mad magazine's anti-smoking ads. Even that disgusting comparison of a healthy pink lung and a charred black smokers lung that ran on the back of Hustler, a magazine I never cared mush for, got my approval.

So I certainly approved when the AMA and the FCC and whoever else contributed to outlaw cigarette commercials on television.

To be honest, I've had enough alcoholism in my family that if's they'd gone ahead and done away with those beer commercials, I would have applauded.

You all know I oppose 'censorship' but selling things that are bad for people seems like a reasonable place to draw a line. And yes, beer and red wine have specific health benefits, let's not get into that argument. Some people unwind with a couple beers and are fine with it, some people get plowed on a 12 pack and turn ugly and abusive. Love ya, dad.

And on the subject of "bad for ya", how about ads for Lottery tickets, gambling casinos and trips to Vegas? Isn't gambling a deadly life destroying addiction? Does adding a "wager sensibly" tag line make it all right?

During the first years of the Aids epidemic it seemed like a positive thing to sell condoms with commercials. Some parents who didn't want to explain those funny balloons to their children probably objected, but I was pro to their con.

But the cigaret ads of the early '60s and the period in the '80s when prophylactic ads were still a surprising novelty are history now.

There was never one specific point where tasteless TV ads got out of control.
Well, maybe the early '70s when the deodorant companies tried to launch lines of "feminine hygiene deodorants". How do I put this... I have never in my entire life met a woman, sniffed and thought "Wow, she smells like c*nt". Of course in those days I was more concerned with the flavor than the odor.

Then there's the old "a woman walking on the beach with her mom talking about not feeling fresh" jokes. Okay, its a common product category that half the population needs to buy and use every month. I still felt sorry for Brenda Vacarro and the ads she did as a product spokemodel. "Hi, I'm an Oscar winning actress and I'd like to tell you about these cotton plugs I shove up my coochie." Those ads made Jane Russell discussing her support bra seem like a real class act.

Let's change the subject.
Well, we all love Pepto Bismol's cute jingle. We all love songs with the word diarrhea in them, don't we?
Or those charming cartoon bears selling toilet paper, because we all know what bears do in the woods, right?

The other day I read something - I forget what - that said that 1992 was the year they began advertising prescription drugs on television. We all love that great disclaimer moment that SNL loves to parody where some speed-talker rattles off the information that this medication can cause itching, bendy knees and your head exploding. My old pal The Pro From Dover had the best line about this. He mentioned an add for an anti-depressant with side effects that included erectile dysfunction. "What do you think I'm depressed about?" he asked.
(Don't worry about him, one much needed divorce and a teenage girlfriend later and he's all right in that regard.)

At some point it was decided that cable TV can advertise liquor and not just beer and wine. A few of those ads have even been funny, but personally I would have gone the other way and banned the beer and wine ads. Especially the ones that imply a couple beers will turn your backyard barbeque into a neighborhood bikini party.

Speaking of ED, how about those ads for Viagra and Cialis? Remember the SNL line "If you experience an erection lasting over four hours, call your friends and brag".
Some political pundits may not respect all politicians equally, but did we really want to see Bob Dole go from a presidential candidate to a spokes-model for little blue willy pills? Where's our national dignity?

Say, did you ever see Evangeline Lilly's commercial for a telephone chat line service? I'm not familiar with either product category based on personal experience, so could someone explain the difference between those chat lines advertised on late night TV and phone sex?

What, you might ask, set off this rant? Well, last night I was watching "Guadalcanal Diary" on AMC at about five in the morning and in rapid succession say commercials for a "discrete fingertip vibrator" for women, a vacuum pump solution for erectile dysfunction and, you know, that pill that supposedly makes men bigger.

As stated, I oppose censorship and restraint of trade and all that and I wouldn't say this is the place to draw the line.

But seriously, when did TV ads turn into the back pages of sleazy porno mags?